If humour exists on a spectrum, then Twitter is the best place to discover your orientation. In 140 characters or less, you effectively get the most of obscure yet darkly hilarious rants. We know we could all use a laugh towards the end of this particular year, and more importantly, the discreet comfort that comes with knowing that we're not the only weird one out there.
1.
so nicki said "i never fucked wayne i never fucked drake," and both drake & wayne said "i never fucked nicki.” but there was 0 line in the song saying wayne & drake never fucked each other. in this essay i will
— ben ♡ (@benxta_) September 28, 2021
2.
really gotta teach my parents how to use emojis pic.twitter.com/KKSd38UCDT
— koby (@kobzilla_001) March 31, 2021
3.
me (pacing around my apartment, slapping my forehead desperate to go viral): THINK, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! WHAT DO ADULT FRIENDSHIPS BE LIKE?!
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) August 27, 2021
4.
might i interest you in some sushi pic.twitter.com/Q7cGlUPZGU
— DooM49 (@DooM49) January 18, 2021
5.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
— Alex Dragicevich (@alexdrag_) February 18, 2021
6.
sundays are cool, entire day just for fighting demons and losing
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) December 12, 2021
7.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) August 30, 2021
8.
Half the USA is vaccinated. The other half thought 2020 was just too much fun.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) June 1, 2021
9.
but when will the FDA approve……. me? 🥺👉🏻👈🏻
— Matt Bellassai (@MattBellassai) August 23, 2021
10.
did it hurt? when you realised we're about to enter year 3 of covid?
— YEOLO™ (@tzehern_) December 13, 2021
Top tweets of 2020
1.
can’t wait to walk down the aisle pic.twitter.com/4XvaKcSV75
— rozhan (@stylebyrxg) May 2, 2020
2.
I call my nipples The Godfather because no one is interested in seeing the third one
— Bewg (@bewgtweets) March 25, 2020
3.
The precise moment it became an open marriage was when Brad Pitt said ‘do you want to fuck’ https://t.co/vU2Kuj18Au
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 30, 2020
4.
I’m 40. They’ve run out of ideas and have strayed from monster-of-the-week into long, boring plot arcs. The fans who are left are in it for the nostalgia. My only hope is a decent reboot.
— Traci Rosenbaum (@GFTrib_TRosenba) November 22, 2020
5.
a baby’s skull is malleable and i absolutely hate my parents for not squeezing me a better jawline
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@sarahschauer) August 17, 2020
6.
No one wants to see you do that Tik-Tok dance.
— Trixie Mattel™ (@trixiemattel) August 27, 2020
7.
Parks are weird, aren’t they? A gym, a children’s birthday party venue, a romantic date location, all in a giant fucking dog toilet.
— Mitten d'Amour (@MittenDAmour) September 13, 2020
8.
PLANTS: imma wave my genitals in the air
HUMANS: mmm fragrant— Todd Alcott (@toddalcott) May 8, 2020
9.
The saddest thing about the Old MacDonald song is when you realize it’s all in past tense because he’s dead
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, Fashion Expert (@BuckyIsotope) September 15, 2020
10.
Me: i have a headache
WebMD: and it’ll be your last
— Clarice “Precious” Jones🍗🏃🏾 (@YRN_Jay15) December 16, 2020
Top tweets of 2019
1.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
— Danya (@dxxnya) February 19, 2019
2.
doctor: you're completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you're actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) April 1, 2019
3.
[carefully puts turds in pocket] pic.twitter.com/MsZHrDnOmf
— The dumb ignorabt shit head (@UrplePingOh) June 18, 2019
4.
Feel bad for the person who has to type all those words so fast every time I turn on subtitles
— Sonny Side Up (@Sonny5ideUp) May 15, 2019
5.
gym manager: we're getting complaints that your workout grunts sound like you're having sex
me: that's ridiculous
manager: just try to keep it down
me: whatever
me: *lifts bar* FUCK MY TITS
— david (@_elvishpresley_) July 24, 2019
6.
landlords imply the existence of sealords, and most terrifying of all – airlords
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) December 2, 2019
7.
If I had a pound for every time someone said we’ll be fine after a #nodealbrexit, I’d have 50 million pounds. (7 euros)
— David Levin (@davidlevin123) September 1, 2019
8.
accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) May 1, 2019
9.
Joaquin is just quinoa pronounced in reverse
— Kyle🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) April 3, 2019
10.
if you're having a rough time, just remember: god gives his hardest battles to the people he just doesn't like very much
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) December 16, 2019
Top tweets of 2018
1.
Just got asked to autograph a breast. My wife was nearby, so I told him “no.”
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) August 20, 2018
2.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] "so what do you do for a living?"
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) August 1, 2018
3.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy now.
— Eddy Elfenbein (@EddyElfenbein) July 30, 2018
4.
*She gazes lovingly into my eyes*
HER: What are you thinking about?
ME: [remembering my contractual obligations] How Lexus continues to redefine luxury year after year.
— Nate Usher (@thenatewolf) August 21, 2018
5.
They warned me not to hide that engagement ring in her burrito. But on the bright side, the retrieval process should be swift.
— Bob Lesh (@Bob_Lesh) August 25, 2018
6.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart— KruseKontrol (@RCKruseKontrol) August 18, 2018
7.
me: so i said what are you gonna do, kick my ass?
nurse: then what happened
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) August 29, 2018
8.
A good way to respond to someone telling you they ran a marathon is to ask if they won
— erin chack (@ErinChack) April 8, 2018
9.
therapist: good, good. now say it with confidence.
me: NO DESSERT JUST THE CHECK PLEASE THANKS
— chuuch (@ch000ch) April 4, 2018
10.
Clerk: Name?
Batman: It's Batman
Clerk: And your first name?
Batman: That's it
Clerk: Sir, I need both or you can't withdraw any funds
Batman: This is ridiculous, I'm the richest man in
Clerk: in…?
Batman: …nowhere— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) May 17, 2018
