If humour, like gender according to the politically correct in 2019, exists on a spectrum, then Twitter is the best place to discover your orientation. In 140 characters or less, you effectively get the most of obscure yet darkly hilarious rants. We could all use a laugh towards the end of yet another year, and more importantly, the discreet comfort that comes with knowing that we're not the only weird one out there.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
— Danya (@dxxnya) February 19, 2019
We all want the world to end during our lifetimes because it’s comforting to think we’re special somehow instead of just another generation of dumb apes who will come and go without making much of a difference. Anyway sure Pepsi is fine
— 🎶 Baby, I’m Dead Inside 🎶 (@LostCatDog) February 22, 2019
doctor: you're completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you're actually deaf
doctor: oh right
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) April 1, 2019
[carefully puts turds in pocket] pic.twitter.com/MsZHrDnOmf
— Urple Incogzero (@NotUrplePingo) June 18, 2019
so if "i am groot" encapsulates every possible phrase, and other people call him "groot", he's probably getting called a different name every time. people just being like "come with us, powerhouse of the cell"
— phil (@PhilJamesson) April 6, 2019
Feel bad for the person who has to type all those words so fast every time I turn on subtitles
— Sonny Side Up (@Sonny5ideUp) May 15, 2019
gym manager: we're getting complaints that your workout grunts sound like you're having sex
me: that's ridiculous
manager: just try to keep it down
me: *lifts bar* FUCK MY TITS
— elvish presley (@_elvishpresley_) July 24, 2019
[prounounces molecules like hercules]
— viking (@notviking) April 2, 2019
The claps in the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song should have been screams
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) June 19, 2019
The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings and still isn’t as sensitive as a white man on the Internet
— Qlayre (@thisisqlayre) January 23, 2019
If I had a pound for every time someone said we’ll be fine after a #nodealbrexit, I’d have 50 million pounds. (7 euros)
— David Levin (@davidlevin123) September 1, 2019
THE SUN: I am 100 million billion pounds of burning hydrogen, helium, carbon, neon, and iron.
PLANTS: Yum yum I’ll have that and a water.
— Nate Usher (@thenatewolf) August 3, 2019
Saying 'yes daddy'
– reinforces patriarchal ideals
Saying 'yes chef'
– gender neutral
— Chloé🌛 (@chlostrophobic) September 14, 2019
If you only see 2-3 crows together that’s an attempted murder.
— patrickswayze’spatrickgravy (@SamGrittner) April 21, 2019
computer: enter password
computer: password weak
all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying
— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) October 7, 2019
Joaquin is just quinoa pronounced in reverse
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) April 3, 2019
DONT U DARE SLING THAT FANNY PACK OVER UR SHOULDER KEEP IT IN ITS NATURAL HABITAT AND LET IT THRIVE ! if ur reallllllllly too cool for school babe go ahead n drop out
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) October 30, 2019
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriends when they turn 23 https://t.co/QJ7RXZvPot
— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) April 4, 2019
[America, 2025. Healthcare costs are now subsidised by corporate sponsorship]
DOCTOR: according to your colonoscopy you-
*guy in a suit whispers into his ear*
DOCTOR: sorry… according to your McColonoscopy…
— Ben (@0point5twins) November 26, 2019
accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) May 1, 2019
Top 10 tweets of 2018
Just got asked to autograph a breast. My wife was nearby, so I told him “no.”
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) August 20, 2018
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] "so what do you do for a living?"
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) August 1, 2018
To the guy who stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy now.
— Eddy Elfenbein (@EddyElfenbein) July 30, 2018
*She gazes lovingly into my eyes*
HER: What are you thinking about?
ME: [remembering my contractual obligations] How Lexus continues to redefine luxury year after year.
— Nate Usher (@thenatewolf) August 21, 2018
They warned me not to hide that engagement ring in her burrito. But on the bright side, the retrieval process should be swift.
— Bob Lesh (@Bob_Lesh) August 25, 2018
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
— KruseKontrol (@RCKruseKontrol) August 18, 2018
me: so i said what are you gonna do, kick my ass?
nurse: then what happened
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) August 29, 2018
A good way to respond to someone telling you they ran a marathon is to ask if they won
— erin chack (@ErinChack) April 8, 2018
therapist: good, good. now say it with confidence.
me: NO DESSERT JUST THE CHECK PLEASE THANKS
— chuuch (@ch000ch) April 4, 2018
Batman: It's Batman
Clerk: And your first name?
Batman: That's it
Clerk: Sir, I need both or you can't withdraw any funds
Batman: This is ridiculous, I'm the richest man in
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) May 17, 2018