If humour exists on a spectrum, then Twitter is the best place to discover your orientation. In 140 characters or less, you effectively get the most of obscure yet darkly hilarious rants. We know we could all use a laugh towards the end of this particular year, and more importantly, the discreet comfort that comes with knowing that we're not the only weird one out there.
can’t wait to walk down the aisle pic.twitter.com/4XvaKcSV75
— rozhan (@stylebyrxg) May 2, 2020
Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 25, 2020
Bought him a PS5 but really its cake pic.twitter.com/Xe5yFrsHq5
— molls ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ (@moIIls) July 13, 2020
Remember when cakes were a whole meme?
forgot to check out of SafeEntry and now the government thinks i've been at don don donki for 17 days
— YEOLO™ (@tzehern_) July 8, 2020
I call my nipples The Godfather because no one is interested in seeing the third one
— Bewg (@bewgtweets) March 25, 2020
To be fair, very few words are. pic.twitter.com/skRSdoLAYc
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) November 10, 2020
im always intrigued by close friends stories…who not allowed to see u grilling zucchini
— nina (@kwochi1) May 18, 2020
The precise moment it became an open marriage was when Brad Pitt said ‘do you want to fuck’ https://t.co/vU2Kuj18Au
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 30, 2020
I’m 40. They’ve run out of ideas and have strayed from monster-of-the-week into long, boring plot arcs. The fans who are left are in it for the nostalgia. My only hope is a decent reboot.
— Traci Rosenbaum (@GFTrib_TRosenba) November 22, 2020
a baby’s skull is malleable and i absolutely hate my parents for not squeezing me a better jawline
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@sarahschauer) August 17, 2020
No one wants to see you do that Tik-Tok dance.
— Trixie Mattel (@trixiemattel) August 27, 2020
Parks are weird, aren’t they? A gym, a children’s birthday party venue, a romantic date location, all in a giant fucking dog toilet.
— Mitten d'Amour (@MittenDAmour) September 13, 2020
PLANTS: imma wave my genitals in the air
HUMANS: mmm fragrant
— Todd Alcott (@toddalcott) May 8, 2020
Women get to smell like real things (vanilla, lavender) but men have to smell like concepts. What the fuck is "cool sport rush"
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) August 15, 2020
The saddest thing about the Old MacDonald song is when you realize it’s all in past tense because he’s dead
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, IQ 188 (@BuckyIsotope) September 15, 2020
me: [headbanging to the radio]
my barber: fuckin stop it
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) February 16, 2020
stop asking me ‘wyd’ i am literally at home reliving the same day every day
— 𝕒𝕓𝕦☔️ (@abu29ine) December 17, 2020
Me: i have a headache
WebMD: and it’ll be your last
— Rude-y Huxtable 🤞🏾 (@YRN_Jay15) December 16, 2020
working at the office. working at home. pic.twitter.com/UEumxkOHVv
— einstürzende neuböltōn 🇮🇹👑 (@AmbJohnBoIton) December 15, 2020
when cоvid is over "mask off" will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
— ᡕᠵ᠊ᡃ່࡚ࠢ࠘ ⸝່ࠡࠣ᠊߯᠆ࠣ࠘ᡁࠣ࠘᠊᠊ࠢ࠘𐡏 (@Yzng_angel) December 21, 2020
Top 20 tweets of 2019
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
— Danya (@dxxnya) February 19, 2019
We all want the world to end during our lifetimes because it’s comforting to think we’re special somehow instead of just another generation of dumb apes who will come and go without making much of a difference. Anyway sure Pepsi is fine
— United States Space Force 🇺🇸 (@LostCatDog) February 22, 2019
doctor: you're completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you're actually deaf
doctor: oh right
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) April 1, 2019
[carefully puts turds in pocket] pic.twitter.com/MsZHrDnOmf
— The dumb ignorabt shit head (@NotUrplePingo) June 18, 2019
so if "i am groot" encapsulates every possible phrase, and other people call him "groot", he's probably getting called a different name every time. people just being like "come with us, powerhouse of the cell"
— phil (@PhilJamesson) April 6, 2019
Feel bad for the person who has to type all those words so fast every time I turn on subtitles
— Sonny Side Up (@Sonny5ideUp) May 15, 2019
gym manager: we're getting complaints that your workout grunts sound like you're having sex
me: that's ridiculous
manager: just try to keep it down
me: *lifts bar* FUCK MY TITS
— Elvish Presley (@_elvishpresley_) July 24, 2019
[prounounces molecules like hercules]
— viking (@notviking) April 2, 2019
The claps in the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song should have been screams
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) June 19, 2019
landlords imply the existence of sealords, and most terrifying of all – airlords
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) December 2, 2019
If I had a pound for every time someone said we’ll be fine after a #nodealbrexit, I’d have 50 million pounds. (7 euros)
— David Levin (@davidlevin123) September 1, 2019
THE SUN: I am 100 million billion pounds of burning hydrogen, helium, carbon, neon, and iron.
PLANTS: Yum yum I’ll have that and a water.
— Nate Usher (@thenatewolf) August 3, 2019
Saying 'yes daddy'
– reinforces patriarchal ideals
Saying 'yes chef'
– gender neutral
— Chloé? (@chlostrophobic) September 14, 2019
If you only see 2-3 crows together that’s an attempted murder.
— new year, new expired meats (@SamGrittner) April 21, 2019
accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) May 1, 2019
Joaquin is just quinoa pronounced in reverse
— Dr Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) April 3, 2019
DONT U DARE SLING THAT FANNY PACK OVER UR SHOULDER KEEP IT IN ITS NATURAL HABITAT AND LET IT THRIVE ! if ur reallllllllly too cool for school babe go ahead n drop out
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) October 30, 2019
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriends when they turn 23 https://t.co/QJ7RXZvPot
— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) April 4, 2019
[America, 2025. Healthcare costs are now subsidised by corporate sponsorship]
DOCTOR: according to your colonoscopy you-
*guy in a suit whispers into his ear*
DOCTOR: sorry… according to your McColonoscopy…
— Ben (@0point5twins) November 26, 2019
if you're having a rough time, just remember: god gives his hardest battles to the people he just doesn't like very much
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) December 16, 2019
Top 10 tweets of 2018
Just got asked to autograph a breast. My wife was nearby, so I told him “no.”
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) August 20, 2018
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] "so what do you do for a living?"
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) August 1, 2018
To the guy who stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy now.
— Eddy Elfenbein (@EddyElfenbein) July 30, 2018
*She gazes lovingly into my eyes*
HER: What are you thinking about?
ME: [remembering my contractual obligations] How Lexus continues to redefine luxury year after year.
— Nate Usher (@thenatewolf) August 21, 2018
They warned me not to hide that engagement ring in her burrito. But on the bright side, the retrieval process should be swift.
— Bob Lesh (@Bob_Lesh) August 25, 2018
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
— KruseKontrol (@RCKruseKontrol) August 18, 2018
me: so i said what are you gonna do, kick my ass?
nurse: then what happened
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) August 29, 2018
A good way to respond to someone telling you they ran a marathon is to ask if they won
— erin chack (@ErinChack) April 8, 2018
therapist: good, good. now say it with confidence.
me: NO DESSERT JUST THE CHECK PLEASE THANKS
— chuuch (@ch000ch) April 4, 2018
Batman: It's Batman
Clerk: And your first name?
Batman: That's it
Clerk: Sir, I need both or you can't withdraw any funds
Batman: This is ridiculous, I'm the richest man in
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) May 17, 2018