The NAPIES baby ready pack is made for couples
who enjoy having kids without the trouble
of in-laws with a million meaningful suggestions
that cramp your style and bring on indigestion.
But if you bought NAPIES before you made a beat,
our SXY bedroom set has leather cuffs and lacy treats.
The KAMASTRA guide contains visual instructions,
for ideal reproduction in various positions.
The highlight of our pack is the POOAWAY robot cleaner
which maintains a neutral demeanour, as it hovers over
your baby’s bottom, to wipe and wash and powder-pat
until it smells like a fruit bat frolicking in autumn.
When it’s feeding time, use our HANGRY milk bottle
that keeps baby swaddled, twizzling the nozzle
as he reaches for his SAFTY blanket, to wrap
fears and stave off tears while you take a crap.
Be entertained by our SLEEPLESS comics
while waiting for the NAPIES hypoallergenic,
smooth sleep, still cheap diaper to take effect,
like the garden of a gentle landscape architect.
At critical points, deploy the SUCKIT pacifier
which, like appropriate ecclesiastical attire,
apprehends the fleeting sounds of silence,
and transmutes all intended violence.
As your GOODEAR earplugs
ensure quiet like a needful drug,
the NOISOM battery-operated rattle
cuts out unnecessary prattle.
And our TCKLE hanging mobile
(featuring LRGE the tiniest giant,
in various poses (such as a barge)
keeps the wee monster compliant.
Buy NAPIES with PLACEBO night light
to keep what’s under the bed out of sight
or read THE ADVENTURES OF IKE A, superhero
alter ego for parents who are down to zero.
And when baby becomes a toddler,
pass NAPIES on with minimum bother.
Our HANMEDWN packaging is the way
to regift your wonderful everyday.
About the poem: A take on the latest campaign by the Singapore government to encourage couples to have children.
Like what you read? See more poems by Marc Nair on his page.