Do not adjust your sets, kiddies. The inaugural instalment of The Snackdown is indeed me prattling on about what to most right-thinking people is the most boring, most vanilla snack to shamble its way across God’s green earth.
And not that it actually has any vanilla content, because it’s bloody chocolate, but not bloody chocolate, of course, because that would be disgusting. The Snackdown is going to start with the total opposite of a blast, and things don’t come more anti-blasty than a bar of Cadbury Dairy Milk.
If you’re looking for the plot twist, for me to break out the candied scorpions covered in single-origin Venezuelan chocolate, the cough drop-flavoured Kit Kat (no, seriously) or hand-cooked small-batch artisanal potato chips, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
Which, as a nice little segue and appropriately enough, is the exact last thing you’ll feel when cracking open that purple foil wrapper—which has its own Pantone code, thankyouverymuch—to get the brown goodness within.
And once you do pop those nuggets of brown gold into your mouth and feel the unctuous richness of cocoa and milk fat coating the roof of your mouth, you might feel, like so many of those aforementioned right-thinking people, somewhat underwhelmed.
It’s tough to call one of Cadbury’s oldest commercial offerings bad, but it’s also tough to call it great, because of how seemingly unremarkable it is.
It’s tough to call one of Cadbury’s oldest commercial offerings bad, but it’s also tough to call it great, because of how seemingly unremarkable it is. As a little aside, because I know you love useless trivia to impress your dates and co-workers with, Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate bars have been around since 1905.
Even more interestingly, the famous purple-wrapped bar can trace its roots back to 1897, though by the company’s own admission, proto-Dairy Milk was “coarse and dry”, which I take to mean it tasted like cardboard, minus the nutritious, life-giving goodness of cellulose fibre that cardboard contains.
So anyway, Cadbury Dairy Milk. It’s remarkable simply because it’s so unremarkable. I mean, you could go all high-SES fancy pants and get any one of the myriad flavours (Cadbury’s Australian website lists no less than 30 varieties) in the Dairy Milk lineup, enhanced with honeycomb, raisins, Oreos™, amongst others.
Heck, you could even choose to get the reduced-sugar one, though why anyone aside from a false idol-worshipping, dancing-around-the-cauldron-naked-wearing-a-horse-mask degenerate would is beyond me.
But I digress again. And you’ll soon come to notice this is a common theme running through The Snackdown, aside from me debasing myself and my health for your pleasure. The best thing about Cadbury Dairy Milk is that it’s utterly predictable. Like the sun rising in the east, like taxes, like lying politicians and Kanye believing himself to be the Second Coming.
The best thing about Cadbury Dairy Milk is that it’s utterly predictable. Like the sun rising in the east, like taxes, like lying politicians and Kanye believing himself to be the Second Coming.
Thing is, you can drop 50 bucks on gourmet chocolate and still be disappointed. Not through any fault of the product as such, but it could simply be not to your personal taste. Cadbury Dairy Milk, however, brooks no such disappointment.
Even at a distance of fifty paces, still in its wrapper and inside a lead box, you know exactly how it’ll taste. Even just thinking about it now, as a figment of my imagination, I already know what a block of Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate will taste like.
It’s the level of consistency in mass production on par with the Big Mac, though the Cadbury Dairy Milk bar has way more going for it than McDonald’s so-called signature burger (hoo boy, do I have a lot to say about that. DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER, SON).
As a person whose entire existence is predicated on the avoidance of disappointment and nasty surprises, not the pursuit of excellence, I should know about a thing or two about disappointment and being let down.
And like Rick Astley, Cadbury Dairy Milk is never gonna let you down, never gonna make you cry, nor is it even gonna tell you a lie and hurt you… which is more than I can say about some of the people I’ve had the misfortune of dating.
10-word review: Chocolates don't come any less disappointing than Cadbury Dairy Milk.
Best paired with: The salty tears and bitter ashes of your former lovers.